How Attachment Styles Affect Healthy Relationships

The basis of attachment theory is that the emotional bonds children form with parents and caregivers set the foundation for relationships throughout life. These primary relationships create our expectation for how love should look and feel. As children age and grow, these beginnings are seen as laying groundwork for patterns in adult relationships.

Secure vs Insecure Attachments

If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfill their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. On the other hand, insecure attachment styles are formed if the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to fulfill basic needs and comfort. This happens when a child has had a strained, absent, or abusive association with their caregivers. Insecure attachments manifest in two main patterns: Avoidant and Anxious.  

Attachment Patterns in Adult Relationships

Secure

People with secure attachment styles approach relationships with openness. In romantic relationships, they are generally positive, trusting, and loving to their partners. They tend to be effective communicators, manage conflict well, and express their emotions freely. And while people with secure attachments navigate relationships well, they are also comfortable being alone.

Avoidant

Individuals who grew up with strict, emotionally distant, or absent caregivers tend to form avoidant relationship attachments as adults. They are strongly independent and have a hard time trusting people. In adult relationships, they have difficulty talking about feelings and are often labeled as “commitment-phobes.”  

Anxious

Because they weren’t able to count on emotional support and affection consistently as children, people with anxious attachments often feel unworthy of love and need constant reassurance in adult relationships. They experience a strong desire for intimacy combined with a fear of abandonment. This often leads to codependency, sacrificing their own needs in order to take care of their partner. In a relationship, these unmet needs can lead to feelings of fear, jealousy, or unhappiness.

Changing Your Attachment Style 

Regardless of your primary relationships as a child, you can change attachment styles as an adult.This often starts with understanding your own patterns of attachment and learning new skills to manage and express your emotions. If you’re in the approximately 50% of adults with an insecure attachment style, consider collaborating with a psychologist like those on our team at Evolve Counseling & Wellness Center to form healthier relationships.