What to look for when dating

When looking for the perfect match, people often focus on obvious superficial characteristics and ignore more subtle qualities that are actually more important in sustaining a healthy relationship.  For example, while a good sense of humor may appear desirable, it can at times be a deflection or defense for someone who is unable or afraid to get intimate in relationships.  Perhaps, the one most important quality to look for in someone  is emotional availability.  A mate with this characteristic is someone who is capable of expressing his/her emotions and who is receptive when you express yours.  Someone who can express his/her emotions is able to identify what he/she is feeling and express it with words.  An emotionally receptive partner demonstrates understanding  and support when you open up about your feelings.  This person may ask you more questions to know where you are coming from and summarize or paraphrase how you might be feeling.  He/she may exhibit support through caring phrases (“I am here for you”),  gestures (holding your hand or a hug) or even instrumental support (bringing you soup if you are sick). Ultimately, in a relationship you want to get to a place where each of you can express your authentic and vulnerable selves.  This quality is what allows you to build trust, which is a cornerstone for a healthy relationship.

By, Erica Bacher, PhD