dating and never good enough

Do you ever find yourself finding fault with everyone you date and wondering if you are settling? Fixating on individual faults, such as “She’s not funny enough,” “She’s not well-traveled,” “He talks too much,” “He doesn’t make enough money” and “The sex wasn’t exciting enough,” may prevent someone from pursuing a relationship with someone who may ultimately prove to be a great match.  In my practice, I frequently encounter people who say that they want a relationship and continue to date but no one is ever good enough. Sometimes it’s not about the other person not being good enough but rather about the person’s ambivalence about being in a relationship. On the one hand, he/she wants a committed relationship but is also afraid of it.  People who are afraid aren’t always aware of their fears or may not openly admit it. 

There are a number of reasons that relationships can feel scary, including fears of losing oneself or a sense of autonomy, associating relationships with past hurts, and fears of rejection if one becomes vulnerable.  Those who have witnessed conflict between their parents also may shy away from relationships for fears that he/she may have a similar relationship.  If you are wondering if you might be ambivalent about relationships, you can ask yourself what percentage of me wants to be in a relationship and what percentage of me might not want to be in a relationship.  You can then take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page and write in one column about wanting a relationship and in the other column not wanting to be in a relationship.  Being aware of your ambivalence can help you become more aware of when you might be pushing away someone who could potentially be a good match.

By, Erica Bacher, PhD